Argh! American Idol’s Galveston auditions kicked off this evening with a perfectly embarrassing audition from Phong Vu. Phong was a slightly awkward 25 year old who was “born and raised” in Houston, Texas. He weeps openly as he talks about the “amazing achievement” that it would be if he became the next American Idol. We, cold hearted b’stards that we are, laugh out loud.

He assaulted our eardrums with an horrific rendition of Toni Braxton’s Unbreak My Heart. Which was not a good song choice to begin with. Even less so when you realise that poor old Phong can’t sing a note. It’s quite tragic really, because Phong’s favourite thing is to sing songs by female pop artists. Jennifer Lopez forces herself to smile when Phong announces that he sings Jenny From The Block in his act. But fortunately for Jenny, he picked on Toni Braxton instead.

The audition is classic car crash material. Phong’s glasses appear to be frosted over with dust, and he holds an incredibly camp “power stance”. But none of this can compare to the masterclass in tunelessness that his singing represents. Let’s just say that Phong might not want to meet a vengeful Toni Braxton in a dark alley anytime soon.

Steven Tyler makes a classic mistake in his commentary – he tries to be tactful to Phong. He tells Phong that he can see that he hears Braxton’s voice when he sings. Phong replies that he does. He feels all the energy, the emotion, the pain. And he wants to channel it all back to us.

Well, we certainly got the pain part.

Ultimately, the judges had to tell Phong Vu that his voice wasn’t up to Idol standards. Still we got to see his ‘iconic moves’, and determined that he’s mostly harmless… Here’s Phong’s audition video:

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